By Gary LeBlanc
Now that your caregiving days are behind you, holidays will take on yet another tone. Yes, they were difficult during the course of caregiving, but now they will be accompanied by still another wave of sadness. The fact is your holidays will never be the same. It’s time to re-invent some of the ways you observe them. Don’t be surprised if it takes quite a while before the joyful spirit of Christmas for instance, permeates your heart once again.
I stopped decorating my home for the holidays years before my father passed away. His dementia could not coexist with blinking lights, the rearranging of furniture for company, or even the company themselves! All of this change would only increase his confusion, disrupting his crucial regular routine.
After his passing, the next couple of Christmas Seasons were full of only the three D’s: dark, dull and depressing. My house was completely un-festive. However, by the third season, I actually hung a wreath on my front door. Now, that may sound like a small thing but it was truly a huge gesture on my part. A sign of genuine hope and healing! I’m pleased to say that twinkling Christmas lights are once again making my house glow with warmth and love. I’m actually kind of disappointed when it comes time to take them down. Maybe I just won’t!
Therefore, former caregivers beware! Holidays can become triggers, setting off an avalanche of emotions. Unfortunately, loneliness always seems to come crashing in first.
While I wish there was a simple remedy for these heartaches, the truth is this is going to take time. The absence of a loved one becomes highlighted during the many holidays throughout a calendar year. Family traditions are broken, some never to be repaired.
An example could be that on Thanksgiving this cherished loved one may have always proudly been the turkey carver. An aftereffect of losing this person could be that just the thought of cooking a turkey may cause your eyes to well up with tears.
What about Easter? On Sunday, he or she may have faithfully hidden the eggs for a hunt for your children, grandchildren or even the neighbor kids.
It’s helpful to start a few new traditions. How about a special Christmas ornament in honor of your loved one, ceremoniously hung on the tree? Thanksgiving? Definitely assign someone new to the task of carving the turkey, but for sure!, do this “in memory of” as well.
It’s okay to cry on holidays. There’s no limit to teardrops; just try not to make a day of it. These special days are reflections of the years that you all spent together, loving one other. That will never change. And don’t forget the children. Make sure you do something together; maybe let them offer a blessing during the holiday meal or create a special card about this loved one you are honoring. It will be a great learning experience for them, and also a really great character builder.
Right now you may be in a stage where you feel that you will never enjoy holidays again. Granted, they may never be the same, but I promise you, your holiday spirit will eventually return. Everybody’s time frame is different.
Here are a few more suggestions that may help get you through:
● Sit down and write a love letter to cherished family and/or friends you have lost
● Share a favorite story of them at the dinner table
● Do at least one shared thing that you loved to do on that special day
● Light a candle in their honor
● Make a donation in their name (the amount isn’t important)
● Start out the day by remembering them in a special prayer
These days may be paved with in some of the roughest terrain you will have to travel after the loss so try not to spend them alone. Surround yourself with those who are closest to you. Always remember life is for the living. Honor any you have lost by living it fully.
Gary Joseph LeBlanc, CDCS
Director of Education
Dementia Spotlight Foundation