By Theresa Wilbanks –
More than 1 in 5 Americans are providing care for a family member. You likely interact with many family caregivers in your close circles, including friends, family, colleagues, and neighbors. When someone in your realm is involved with care for a family member, you have a unique opportunity to provide support and encouragement. Caring for an aging family member takes a village. Unfortunately, it is one of the most lonely and overwhelming experiences of a lifetime. 36% of family caregivers experience high emotional stress. 21% report feeling alone. 18% experience financial strain. There are many ways to support those in your circles who are caring for a family member. The first step is to be aware and recognize what care looks like.
Portrait of a family caregiver
When we think of a family caregiver, we often have an image in our mind of an elder relative caring for their parent or their spouse. Studies have shed light on a new reality. Of the 53 million family caregivers in the US, 23% are Millennials (born 1981 to 1996). 29% are Generation X (born 1965 to 1980) and 6% of caregivers are Gen Z, born 1997 or after. The study reported that 61% of family caregivers worked outside the home at some point while caregiving. Three in 10 caregivers were also taking care of a child or grandchildren. This data changes our view of what family caregivers look like. However, due to ingrained stereotypes, even the person providing care may not realize that they are in fact, a caregiver.
One of the most important gifts that you can offer is to help them see and acknowledge that they are on a caregiving journey. The experience will intensify. Whether they provide direct care or they aid in decision making, now is the time for them to begin to have conversations, do research, and start to plan for the future. Do you know someone who is helping a family member a few times a week with errands, household chores, or maybe finances and paying bills? Maybe they have given up a bit of their free time to take on a few extra responsibilities for a parent or family member? The first gift is for this family caregiver.
How to support and thank a family caregiver
1. The gift of vision
Encourage your family member or friend who is wading into the caregiving experience to start having a conversation with the person they are helping. Understandably, the subject of aging is uncomfortable because it evokes fear. Fear of losing independence is a concern on both sides of the caregiving, care recipient relationship. It is the root of much anxiety and negative emotions. Awareness and acceptance are crucial. With acceptance, all involved can begin to look more realistically at the future, can begin to have important conversations, begin to ask questions, and do research. The caregiver will have the opportunity to discover resources and options before they are in a crisis and too stressed to think clearly.
2. The gift of appreciation
My aunt and uncle, my Dad’s in-laws, simply called to thank me for the fact that Joe and I were taking care of Dad. They acknowledged that they knew it wasn’t easy and that we had made sacrifices. They said that the whole family appreciated it. I cherish the memory of this short call and conversation. I think of it often. Someone noticed and appreciated what we are doing. A simple thank you is a big gift!
3. The gift of flexibility and forgiveness
When you express understanding when a caregiver can’t commit or needs to cancel plans at the last minute, you are expressing support and compassion.
Guilt is a caregiver’s constant unwelcome companion, so a great gift would be to minimize the guilt that comes from letting folks down. There are many reasons why a family caregiver may cancel plans at the last minute. An unexpected care responsibility may be the culprit or it may be that the event, while energizing to some, may take the energy that the caregiver cannot spare.
4. The gift of listening without judgement
Listening without judgment is a special gift. An even more special gift would be to add validation. You can validate a caregiver’s worries, negative thoughts, and negative emotions. Caregivers rarely receive this gift and it is one of the most precious that you can give. Be specific in your validation. Let them know that what they are feeling is perfectly normal. Caregiving is hard. It is lonely. It is stressful. The empathy that you express will stay with the caregiver far beyond the moments of the conversation. This gift has a great big red bow on it!
5. The gift of self-care
Self-care for the family caregiver is repeatedly redefined in order to fit into changing realities. Therefore, caregiver self-care often comes in minutes rather than hours or days. If you are aware of the family caregiver’s self-care strategies, then you can contribute to their well-being by offering a gift basket of goodies. If you are not aware of the activities that rejuvenate their energy, just ask. It may be reading, spending time in nature, meditating, enjoying a special tea or essential oils. A simple gift that focuses on the caregiver’s self-care will provide comfort at the most crucial times.
6. The gift of seeing them
When you call to inquire about the care recipient, you might also ask how the caregiver is doing. It will be appreciated. Often, they might be stoic, but without a doubt, they are handling daily struggles that take a toll. Simply acknowledging that you recognize their role, its value, and its challenges will ease the burden a bit.
7. The gift of doing
Offer to do something specific or just do it. When you ask a family caregiver how you can help, figuring it out can feel like one more “to do” on a long list. Instead, you might offer three suggestions and let them choose. For example, you might offer to do the grocery shopping, mow the lawn, or pick-up prescriptions.
In whatever way you decide to thank and support a family caregiver, your gesture will be welcomed, appreciated, and remembered.